Sparks of Connection
By Dr. Lacey Bagley, LMFT (she/her)
Lacey is a gifted therapist and dear friend. She is also the owner and Clinical Director at CelebrateTherapy, a clinic for LGBTQIA+ individuals, couples, polyamorous groups, and families in Provo, UT. I gained confidence to “lean in” after hearing her story.
As a non-traditional student, I felt some intimidation walking onto a college campus again. It was only the second day of class and I already felt so alone. Gripping my backpack’s straps and tucking my head down, I walked into my evening class. As my eyes timidly made their way up to see if my seat from last week was open, they found her. She was sitting in the chair right behind mine. Even now, over six years later, I remember that moment, I remember her, and I remember that spark.
I’ve felt that spark over the years, with a variety of different people—both men, women and those otherwise not described by the binary. That day in class, my eyes felt like they got 100 times bigger, and my heart started to race 100 times faster. Was I feeling this way because of the way she looked? Yeah, partly. Through her half-shaved hair, I could see a scripted tattoo and the rest of her hair was dyed purple—that was attractive. But even more than that, the spark I felt was about the confidence she exuded. I am attracted to bold confidence, despite a person’s gender.
The label I use is bisexual, which is more a sign of the times I grew up in than an accurate description of my sexual orientation. The cool kids these days would probably label my orientation as pansexual. The Oxford Dictionary defines pansexual as “not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.” For me, this doesn’t mean that I’m attracted to all men, all women, and all gender identities otherwise not described by the binary. In fact, I’d probably say that I’m attracted to less men, women, and other sexes, genders, and gender identities then is typical. If you’ve seen Pixar’s Ratatouille then you’ll be familiar with the phrase “Everyone can cook!” The movie defines the phrase later when the villain, Anton Ego, says not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. In summary, for me, I’m not sexually attracted to everyone, but someone I’m attracted to can come from anywhere—any sex, gender or gender identity. The term I prefer is queer.
A little more background: I’m married to a man. People ask, “How can that be when you identify as queer?!” Because of the spark. With him the spark was instantaneous and exciting! Evan is an introvert by nature. I first met him at his peak confidence and immediately knew that I wanted to be with him, forever. Thirteen years and two kids later, our marriage is getting closer to forever every day. Yet, despite being in a happy marriage, I continue feel the spark with other people. What’s a girl to do?
Lean in.
Sparks mean more than sexual chemistry; limiting the spark to just sex limits the potential of the connection. When I felt the spark with the women from class, I used its exciting energy to walk more confidently to my chair, turn around and introduce myself. Within minutes we were laughing together and starting up a friendship. Our friendship carried me through that first semester, because with her I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I’ve gone on to complete 10+ semesters of grad school and there have been several other sparks along the way. I’ve leaned in to each of them and can proudly say those relationships have given me the confidence to be who I am today. I am grateful for the sparks of connection I have felt, and will continue to feel, with everyone around me!
